01.

It is my obligation to my daughter to be knowledgeable about my long-term care options. I need to know how much long-term care insurance costs, if it is a viable option for me, if I can afford to privately fund my own long-term care needs and what my long-term care options are. As an elder law attorney I have VERY rarely seen a situation work out successfully where a parent moves in with a child and that is the long-term care plan. Our children have their own life stresses and it is terribly sad when the parent invests the $40,000 they have for long-term care needs on improvements to the children’s home and then the children either get divorced and parent becomes “homeless” or the children lose patience and kick the parent out and a lawsuit has to be pursued. For my daughter’s sake I will understand and make plans for my long-term care needs.

03.

It is my obligation to discuss my desires with those I love. Often this is not a comfortable discussion, but it only becomes more and more uncomfortable with time. It is always best when heard firsthand by those I love rather than a guessing game as to what other think I might have wanted and why. I heard my grandfather tell my dad as he was dying that “everything was taken care of.” My grandfather understood this to mean that his wife, my dad’s stepmother, was financially secure. My father understood this to mean that the monies that my grandfather has amassed with his first wife, my father’s mother, would now finally be passed on to him and his siblings. The ambiguity of this discussion created many hurt feelings and comments of unbelief at my grandfather’s death. It was painful to watch. We owe it to our families to force these difficult conversations and make sure that others understand what our version of “everything is taken care of” means to us. End of life decisions are difficult at best for our family to make for us. If they can reflect on a personal conversation about end of life with us, that decision can be made with confidence and very little guilt. Discuss! Everyone’s reality is different and I owe it to my daughter to verbalize that reality so that she shares an understanding with me regarding my wishes for her future and my wishes about the end of my life.

04.

It is my obligation to enjoy my life now and to model a good example for my daughter of how to care for myself and the importance in that. Too many times I meet with devastated individuals who have forgone vacations with family and expenditures until retirement only to be met with serious health concerns, etc., that limits their ability to travel or pursue their dreams. Within reason, it is vital to find a way to experience and do the things you dream about now, while you are healthy and while your family will appreciate it. Spend time together. Break out the china and use it on a weekly basis. No one else will value it the way you do. Use it. Show your family how important they are to you now. Don’t have regrets. I think that we are taught by our parents to sacrifice for our children and we do, but it is also vital that we care for ourselves in a way that keeps us healthy both in body and mind. Why amass a huge estate only to have your family enjoy it after your death!? Enjoy it with them. Watch the joy it brings now. I owe my daughter these memorable positive experiences.

05.

It is my obligation to choose and designate a person to make decisions for me if I become incapacitated or pass away. Obviously I will never become incapacitated or pass away—but just in case—it is imperative that I have a say in who that person is and make sure that person is given that authority IF it were to ever happen. I have many clients who value their independence above all else, and as they age and dementia creeps in, they believe themselves to not need assistance and thousands of dollars end up being wasted on legal fees to get someone in place to “protect” them from the homeless people they are inviting in to do their yard work. Doing this legal work ahead of time provides each individual with so much more dignity when a situation arises. If I willingly address these issues now I will be rewarded later with a smooth transition in a manner that I have envisioned with the person I wished to be in charge. I owe my daughter the ability to respectfully be able to act for me or watch someone else act for me if I become incapacitated or pass away.

06.

It is my obligation to make informed decisions and seek out proper advice. Too many scenarios are discussed around the dinner table about these life situations and they are very fact specific to each individual. Taking advice from the person you go to the bar with occasionally may not be a responsible decision. Understand what the person advising you has to gain. Understand where their professional liability stands and what they stand to lose if they advise you incorrectly. If you have legal questions ask a lawyer who has malpractice insurance which protects you from getting bad advice. If you have a medical question, ask a doctor who has malpractice insurance which protects you from bad treatment. Ask a lawyer who specializes in your area of need. Ask a doctor who specializes in the area that you need treatment. Without proper advice I cannot make a good decision. Too many times individuals come to me after years of making legal decisions based on what the realtor told them or the neighbor and I could have saved them thousands of dollars, hours of headaches and myriads of time. I owe my daughter the time and effort of gathering valuable professional advice in order to make informed decisions about my future so that she does not have a serious mess to clean up for me.